Growing up, you think about life. What do you want from life? Do you want to get married? Have kids? What do you want to do with your life? Career? Everyone cannot wait to grow up and fulfill all of these wants, wishes, demands. Until you're now a grown up and wonder, wow what the heck was the rush? Right?
I honestly don't feel like I did anything that I wanted. I mean yea, I am married, I have kids, but not the way I wanted. You don't think of divorce when you're a child. I mean if you're a product of divorce, maybe you do, but when you don't personally experience it, it isn't something you think much about. How difficult it is having children and being divorced.
I love all my children equally. If I could have had my oldest without ever marrying his father and going through all that crap, I would have. See, I had my first child when I wasn't married. I always felt that I had to be married and raise my child in a happy, married home. Boy was I wrong. I was with his father 4 years before he was born. It was almost 2 years later that we even married. About 8 months after we married, we were separated and doing our own thing. Yeah, if I knew how it was going to happen, I definitely would have went without getting married. After we left, my son and I did well without living with his father.
About 6 months after leaving, I met the man who would later become my husband. I went through the whole divorce process, quickest and easiest as possible. I did not want anything from him. My son was with me, he had visitation. That was the best way. Anyone who knows me personally knows this is fact.
It was 3 days after what would have been our 2 year anniversary that the divorce was finalized.
The man who would soon become my husband came into my life in October, 6 months after I decided to leave. We married almost a year and a half later and will celebrate our 8 year anniversary in February. Together we have 3 children. Yes, I married him while I was pregnant with our oldest (together), but I did not marry him because I felt like I had to for my baby. I wasn't that stupid this time around. We also didn't have a wedding this time around either.
Neither of my marriages were "traditional". First one, I had a baby who was almost 2 years old walking down the aisle as my ring bearer, getting married in white, at a traditional wedding and reception with a bridal party, all because I thought that's what I needed to do for my child. Second one, I was pregnant, we got married at the JOP, no one there, wore street clothes and confessed our love, 9 years after we started dating, we are still here!
I really don't like talking too much about my personal life, so much I really can't open up about, but it's okay, I will say what I can.
I have 4 children, all boys, one will be 12 in a little over a week, and then I have a 7 1/2 year old, 6 year old and a 5 year old. My 2 youngest are actually 11 1/2 months apart. I however, had 2 other pregnancies. The first one when I was 19 years old. I had what was considered an ectopic pregnancy, or a pregnancy that implants somewhere other than the uterus. I didn't know how to deal with that at that time. Sometimes I think what might have been, but ugh that would just mean another "daddy" to deal with. Sometimes I wonder what if I could have just went on my way with my oldest son and keep it from his dad. I honestly don't think I could be that person, though sometimes I still wish that.
My other pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I truly feel all the time I think about this, it was my fault. I wasn't being healthy with myself, physically, emotionally, mentally, I was just out there. I honestly feel like the fact that I didn't care for myself enough, ended that. Though I also feel that it was an act of God, if such a thing. There was so much behind that pregnancy that would have caused so much drama in my life and I couldn't handle it. God only gives you as much as you can handle right? It took a toll on me though and I feel like I went through a down hill spiral even more. I have 4 boys, I always say the loss of that baby was my little girl. But I have 4 healthy baby boys! You can never get over the loss of baby, it's always going to be with you, but I have to worry about my babies I have!
Three months after the birth of my third baby boy, I had to endure a devastating event. Three days before Thanksgiving 2013, I lost my mother. Boycotting Thanksgiving from then on out. I couldn't do it. I did it one year 2015, but ever since I didn't care. 2013, 2014 no way! 2016, 2017, 2018 kept getting worse and worse, I didn't want to make a big meal. 2019, well I really honestly feel like this is going to be a normal day for us.
Two weeks before Christmas, the following year, my husband lost his parents, on the same day, to different causes. Since then, our Christmas dinner hasn't really been more than how our Thanksgiving was. I have no desire when it comes to preparing meals you normally would spend at a parent's house.
In 2016, I was diagnosed with not only Fibromyalgia, but Lupus as well. Great. I was dealing with symptoms of this all my life, thinking back there were so many signs. After I had my son in 2013, I noticed in notes that I should have been diagnosed with Lupus then. My Nephrologist apparently didn't feel the need to explain test results to me and that several of my blood tests came back positive for Lupus. No one could understand why I had so much protein in my kidneys and so many other issues. Well there ya go. So on top of that, I have chronic kidney disease, lung issues, cervical disc disease as well as psoriasis and migraines which I was diagnosed with both around the age of 7.
My dream job was also to be a writer. I loved writing. I would write stories, movies scripts, poetry was my favorite in the form of lyrical poetry as I really loved music. I still wouldn't mind some day learning how to play guitar or piano/keyboard to be able to write music with my lyrics. So I guess I am using this as a start to better myself and get myself out there and fulfill that dream one day. I didn't want to be one of these professions like a doctor or nurse or teacher or anything conventional like friends growing up did. This was mine!
Now I am also exploring skin care products. I was never a girly girl growing up to really care much about skin care and taking the best care of myself but with having psoriasis and Lupus which has started to affect my skin more, I have started developing all natural skin care. I always dreamed of being an entrepreneur as well. I wanted to be my own boss. I have the chance and I'm taking it!
I also have had a love of photography for, wow, forever. I have done a lot of different types but have realized that my favorite is definitely weddings!
So I have my family, a "career" I can do around my family time and I am still writing! Although, with my writing, I need to find someone who can draw really well! I mean I can a little but I would like to write children's books too and I need someone to help me with drawing! Of course though, are kids really going to care that my drawing looks like something they could have done :-) ... we will see... hopefully soon I can say I have accomplished that part of my life.
