Sad Start To 2014

So 2014 started off on a bad foot for sure! Three days before Thanksgiving last year (2013), I lost my mother.  Her death was very untimely and definitely could have been prevented.  Though she was apparently diagnosed with Lung Cancer (though I'm not really sure of her medical status due to not being left in the "loop") I don't believe her death was a result of that!  She was being seen a few times a week by nurses through Home Nursing and that was all going fine.  My mom was there, with it and feeling good.  I mean yea she had her bad days, she was diagnosed years ago with COPD, she was on oxygen and was vulnerable for getting pneumonia.  But she was coherent and knew what was going on.  She was able to tell people that he hurt, signs for something more than COPD, etc.  But then in steps hospice.  Why?  My mother did not need to be on hospice.  Once they got their hands on her, she plummeted downhill so fast it was unreal.  Hospice has a "med-kit" to be kept in the refrigerator.  In this "med-kit" contained morphine.  My mother was already on a crap-load of medicine including Ativan.  Morphine is used for pain.  That's all I have ever known medical-legal morphine to be used for, right?  Well apparently they were giving my mom morphine for her breathing.  What?  Why, to slow it down so that she can't breathe anymore?  Mixing morphine and Ativan is a very deadly combination.  It also made my mother so out of it that she didn't know where she was, didn't know what was going on, and that was only the little bit of time she was actually open-eyed before they gave her MORE.  My mom complained "it hurts".  Apparently everyone didn't care WHAT hurt, they just gave her more morphine.  My mom was so drugged up that she couldn't tell anyone what exactly hurt, it was like her brain was shutting down that she didn't know anything, but "help me, it hurts".  I NEVER administered the morphine.  It's not that I didn't want to help or I didn't want my mom "out of pain", it's not that.  I loved my mom too much and knew that she did NOT need that!  Apparently, a lot of people thought I wasn't strong enough to deal with my mom's condition.  It's not that.  Everyone knew she was sick.  When she wouldn't eat for anyone else, she ate for me.  I just knew that what people were telling me was the best thing for her, clearly wasn't and no one was going to tell me it was.  So every day I was there, helping her, spending time with her, making her eat, visiting with her grandchildren, I was there.  So then came convincing of a 5 day stay at Valley View.  Everyone convincing everyone else that it was what was best.  My mom didn't want it.  She didn't ever want to go to the hospital either when she needed to.  I thought okay, so maybe having medical attention might help.  Apparently not.  Because hospice IS your medical attention and with them involved you don't really get what kind of care you need.  So she got situated in Valley View.  One thing I did notice while she was there was she was a little more with it because her morphine was better monitored than too many hands in the pot at home.  But she still was really out of it when she did have it administered, which was still often, but not nearly as much at home.  Though I thought.  She had her good days, the days I saw her she was sitting up in bed, open eyed and semi-there.  Then I get these calls, texts, etc that she wasn't "doing" so well.  While she was there she had tests and xrays ran and she ended up having pneumonia.  Great.  What, she had pneumonia for at least two weeks.  You don't catch pneumonia in time it can be very deadly, especially since she already had lung issues which was one of the reasons it was always critical she went to the hospital!  So even though they started to treat the pneumonia, it was too involved that it didn't help it.  The day before she was to come home, she passed away.  Coincidence?  Her hospital bed and everything else that was to be delivered before she returned home to the house, wasn't delivered yet.  Was this hospice's way to not let her die at home?  Lung Cancer DID NOT kill my mother.  My mother died because of a lack of medical care, mixture of a deadly combination of drugs, and pneumonia that wasn't caught in time to be treated.  I have so much pain and heartache and hostility still inside me.  And one thing that I don't know if I can ever get over... is that I wasn't involved (in the loop) of what was going on with my mom's health, yet I was good enough to be there every day with her, make sure she ate, and she had company.  And as long as I 'mourn' my mother, I will remember all of this! I Miss my mom so much!  There are so many times I want to pick up the phone and call her, but I can't.  And people always say it'll be okay... no it won't, you can stop saying it. R.I.P MOM (Nana)... We Love You.  (Wanda, Dan, Austin (Sweet Pea), Terryn, Dallas, and your new grandson Roman (who I found out I was pregnant with right before you left us))